I hope all you mamas had a wonderful Mother's Day this past Sunday. It was a beautiful day! In this post I will be opening up my heart once again, in hopes to encourage and uplift someone else who is struggling. Please understand I am not always happy with my previous choices but I have learned from them, and for that gained knowledge I am thankful, thankful for the entire journey. Being completely open and honest, for the past 5 years Mother's Day has been rather painful. Although I was blessed with one beautiful daughter, I was greatly struggling with secondary infertility and this day put more of a focus on what I considered to be a great weakness. I am sure many other ladies who are struggling with infertility or secondary infertility can relate. For some reason, many of us women are pretty good at picking out our own flaws. Sadly, sometimes we dwell on them. For me, for so long I dwelled on my infertility issues. I tried so hard to make things happen in my own power. My heart hurt so much because I felt I couldn't give my husband more children. My daughter was in tears on several occasions because she didn't have a sibling. I was filled with guilt. I wanted better for my family. I tried to take control of my life to make things happen in MY timing. Oh my goodness, how much I have learned since the beginning of my secondary infertility journey. For one, I am NOT in control and never will be. God is all powerful. What He wants to be will be. His will is above all. Second, I have made many mistakes in life. Some impacted my health greatly. Looking back I can see how the Lord was nudging me to change my diet to eat healthier food but instead I put my trust in doctors and chose medical intervention because they promised I should get pregnant soon after. You see, whatever I thought would give me another child I did even if it didn't feel quite right. Big mistake. God is the giver of such a miracle. He is the Creator of all. My focus was and is supposed to be on Him above all else. But I made having another child my idol. It is what I thought about all the time. I didn't realize it at the time, but the stress of it was eating away at me. I was getting sicker and sicker, and I believe my negative thoughts were the source. The third thing I have come to learn is God is all knowing. He knows what is best for us. He knows what our future holds. He wants us to be ready, but to be ready we have to learn certain things. He has unique challenges for each of us and we have the choice to allow Him to guide us through or to try our own way to overcome. Through personal experience I know quite well now that my own efforts get me no where or do me more harm. God is a good God, He is our Father who wants the best for us. I believe He truly wants all of His children to succeed in life. He puts desires in us to go after and I don't believe He wants us to give up on them. He wants us to overcome so we can bless others from what we have learned. The thing is, we have to realize we need Him to get through the many challenges we face. God desires a relationship with us first and foremost. If we don't face a challenge, we wouldn't see the need to ask God for help. Why would we need to rely on Him if everything always went our way? I admit, my relationship with God has taken a good amount of time to grow. But now I am so excited to spend time with Him on a daily basis, to just chat and see what He wants me to know and do. The things He has shown me is incredible and it shows me how thankful I can be in this great struggle of infertility. He has shown me not to give up hope, but instead to be patient and find joy in what surrounds me at this very moment. God showed me that from the very beginning Satan wanted to be in control; he wanted all the power and to have things his way. Satan didn't want to have God guide him and he sure didn't want to love him. (Selfish Satan!) Well God didn't want to MAKE him love Him. God doesn't want to make anyone love Him, He wants us to choose Him. God made everything good and perfect at the beginning, but from the beginning man was also given a very important choice to make. We could choose God's way or follow Satan's way which is full of self-seeking desires, stress, disaster, torment... The more I grow in faith the more I realize how great of a sinner I am and really what do I deserve? I deserve nothing. What have I done that is so great? What do I know that puts me above someone else, even God? When I changed my focus from not being able to have more children and put my focus on God and learning His ways, things have greatly changed. I have so much more joy. I have peace and hope. This past Mother's Day I felt more blessed than ever. I have an amazing husband who loves me. I have a cozy home that we worked hard on to make our own. We have good, nutritious food to eat; we have a comfy bed to sleep on at night. There is so much beauty right out our windows. Trees are filled with gorgeous blooms. Birds are singing in the trees. The grass is lush and green. Food is growing in the garden... all these things were given by God for us to enjoy! A gift from Him. I am thankful. Because what have I given Him in return? For so long I hadn't even given Him my love! Something that seems so simple, but can be rather hard to share... love. Jesus came to earth to do His Father's will. What did He do? He showed pure, unselfish love to everyone He came across and then He payed the ultimate price for us so we can be forgiven of our many sins. Wow! And all God wants in return is a relationship with us, one where we turn to Him to seek His advice before all else in every circumstance we face.
You can't give a young child a knife even if they beg to have one, right? We all know that would be irresponsible and could be very harmful. But after they grow and learn how to use one carefully then they are able to use one right? We know that the time will come when it will be safe for them to use. Well, God knows things about our future that we do not. We have lessons to learn before our time comes, maybe the time to get the desire of our heart. But to get to the point of whatever it is we are hoping for, we need to learn what God wants us to and He wants us to be joyful during the learning stage. If a child is constantly whining and complaining, the adult is a lot less likely to give them what they want right? What is different between God our Father and His children, you and me? I believe He wants us to look around and take notice of the many gifts He has already given us.
God has shown me through the infertility journey to not give up hoping for more children, His Word (in the Bible) clarifies it for me. Instead of trying to do everything I can in "my own power" to get pregnant, He wants me to seek Him and allow Him to teach me His valuable lessons so I will be ready for what He has in store for me. His Word says He wants to give us more than we can even imagine! That makes me excited because God stands by His word, unlike Satan. God wants us to be fruitful and to multiply. God loves children. He loves you and me. I am choosing God's way...
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ~1Thessalonians 4:1